I am reposting this article I first published over a year ago. It was written by someone I know only as Benny who posted this on a site called Rape is Never Justified. It has brought more comments from people in similar circumstances who just have no guide in navigating the complexities of having feelings for someone who could rape you. As a result this will be the subject of my next post. May all of you who are struggling with this issue find some small solace in that fact that you are far from alone! rse
Maintaining a Relationship With One’s Rapist
by Benny – RNJ Peer Advocate on Monday, September 19, 2011 at 6:17pm
In my last blog, I shared my story with you all and so this week I feel more confident in talking about maintaining a relationship with one’s rapist. In my case, my rapist was my boyfriend and so I continued my relationship with him, for quite some time actually. As odd as this may seem to certain people, it does happen pretty frequently. There are plenty of cases (85% of rapes) where the perpetrator is a boyfriend, or a date, or any version of an acquaintance and so there is some relationship established already. So after such an awful, traumatic experience, why would anyone choose to continue the relationship with the perpetrator? Many reasons actually.
So I will start this with an anecdote that I hope will illustrate my point. During high school, I was in art class and we were drawing cartoons and so Winnie the Pooh came up. My friend asked, “Why ‘the Pooh’, I don’t get it?” and I responded, “’Pooh’ is a type of bear.” After a few seconds I admitted that I was completely making that up; my teacher interjected and said, “I knew that wasn’t true but because you said it so confidently I didn’t question you.”
I see this happen all the time; I’m sure all of us have seen this happen at some time in our lives. Sometimes when we don’t know about a particular subject, we simply accept what others tell us especially if they seem pretty confident when they say it—why wouldn’t we? And so that’s why I find this example a good way to explain why someone might maintain a relationship with their rapist; when someone acts like nothing is wrong, why would we think any differently? And we come to a more technical term; this is referred to as normalizing.
Let’s use the example of Stacy and Tom, fictional characters. If Stacy and Tom go on a date and everything is going well and then at the end of the night, they end up in Tom’s apartment; at that point Tom rapes Stacy. After he is done, he drops off Stacy at her house, kisses her goodnight. The next day, Tom gives Stacy a call and asks her out on another date.
Although there are a couple of factors in play in the above example, if Stacy has not identified what happened as rape yet, what other behavior tells her that what Tom did is not normal? It is normal for a guy to kiss you after a date, and normal for him to call you and ask you out again…there is nothing about his behavior after the rape that says anything is wrong; not to mention the confidence in his actions. This is seen a lot. After they have raped someone, some rapists will act completely normal as a way of not letting the victim know that something wrong did happen. This can also be seen as a way of the perpetrator to place more control on the victim; by maintaining the relationship with the victim they are close to them, keeping them from telling anyone what happened.
This strategy is even more monopolized on because of the victim’s state of mind after this traumatizing experience. Sometimes, one reason a victim may not identify what happened as rape is because they are not ready to accept it. In this state of mind, one would not want it to be true; many do not want to be “rape victims”. By not wanting something to be true, one would also try to normalize the situation and continue on with “normal” activity. In my personal experience, this played a vital role in why I stayed with my boyfriend. After my rape, my boyfriend acted like nothing happened beyond consensual sex and the last thing I wanted to have happened was rape; why wouldn’t I stay with him and act like nothing had happened? As counter-productive as it may seem now, not facing what happened to me served my own mental health at that time; I was just not ready to accept it.
I only hope this helps (even a little) some people understand why a victim may maintain a relationship with their rapist. Victims receive a lot of backlash for their actions; as always it is this that people focus on. However, the perpetrator’s actions should be in critic; this is another action that is done by the perpetrator only to suffice their own need and exert only more control on their victim. And as always, those actions are never justified.
Thank you for writing this. I’m ‘waking up’ to the fact that I was raped by someone i was in a relationship with. Afterwards he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. This was some time ago. I am no longer seeing him. I’m now having counselling and my counsellor identified the incident I described to her as rape. Acknowledging this has been very difficult. I’m really struggling to deal with the feelings of anger, powerlessness and confusion that have surfaced. But this article has made complete sense to me and helped me understand my response to what happened which was always a mystery to me. Thanks it’s helped a lot.
You have articulated what I have been trying to wrap my mind around for years. I was drugged and raped by a someone I dated nearly twenty years ago, yet in the weeks that followed, I stayed with him, choosing to accept that it didn’t really happen the way Iknew it did. This has always bothered me. I found a way out, but have always been ashamed of the fact I stayed with him after the fact, even to the point of excluding that “detail” when sharing my experience with others. Thank you for this post!
Thank you! I googled this topic to see if anyone else did the same as I did. Now I understand why I behaved this way. Too bad the courts do not understand this.
I am so glad you posted this-especially the idea of normalizing. Now I understand why I did likewise.
I had been dating my boyfriend for two weeks when we both got drunk at a party. He came with me back and we made out and performed oral on each other. Then he raped me. He told me he loved me and it was “right.” Even though I was a virgin and I told him I was not ready, he did not stop. Afterwards, I didn’t know what to do. I told my mother. She wanted me to go to the police. But I didn’t want to believe that I was raped. I didn’t want the stigma. I didn’t want to think the boy I was falling in love with could have done something so terrible. I confronted him about it instead, and he claimed that he was so drunk he didn’t even remember it and didn’t remember hearing me say no.
We dated for two years after that. But I could never trust him or truly love him, and the relationship deteriorated, even as he planned to propose to me. When I was finally out of the relationship, I told more people about my experience and they urged me to turn him in to the police. So I did.
I don’t know what will happen. I have some evidence — counseling records, emails — that refer to the incident. I feel so awful lately. Like I’ve been denying it so thoroughly for so long, now I’m finally feeling all the trauma of it in this huge wave.
Every police officer I’ve spoken to says the case will never go to trial because I stayed with my rapist for so long. But we will see. For the first time, I am realizing how much of my selfhood was stolen from me that night. I want justice.
I feel your pain. my rapist was my best friend and now a year later, I am considering dating him. I feel like its distorted and sick but I do like him…
I have a situation which may sound sick to you. I was raped last summer by my best friend. We had gone out when I was visiting from Denver and only had a couple drinks but not even tipsy. I fell asleep and woke up with him on top of me. However, it was like he was in a trance like state. I pushed him off and when he realized this, he immediately got off of me and vomited in the bathroom. He apologised for what he did and actually started crying. Fast forward to this year— I already forgave him because of our history and I want to date him. We are thinking of going to Jamaica in February to see if things could work bc I live 2000 miles away and one would have to move to the other’s location. I have always liked him but I know what my family would think because I did report him. But I want to just start over.
I would love to re post this entry on my own website will that be okay
That would be fine. Feel free to repost anything you find of interest. Randy
Thank you so much for your website and this post. I’m struggling with this issue currently. I found the other article you posted regarding invalidation also helps explain this behavior. He normalized (I was nuts for my response) and the police (who I called days later only after struggling with this issue) invalidated. For me a history of childhood invalidation and normalization seems to have set me up for going along with this normalization, but doing so seems to have significant emotional consequences (as all of the posts above indicate). I am in the process of going for counseling with the individual involved and seeking out as much information as possible to heal and inform how I move forward. I have never heard this type of explanation before, even though I have sought out counseling in the past. It helps me regain my sense of self-worth and decrease the doubt and shame that I am suffering. Please keep up the good work; you are making a big difference.
Thank you for reading and writing back. Your perceptions about what has happened to you are not wrong. What you feel in your gut is always right and don’t ever let anybody tell you is is not. The only reason people do that is so you will doubt yourself so you become weak and they can take control of you. To heal you must stick with your therapy and put yourself first. You will either get to a better place with your partner or become strong enough and believe in your self-worth enough to leave. Be true to yourself. You truly do deserve it. Blessings, Randy
I was raped by a guy I had been dating. We fell in love very quickly and he moved across the country to be with me. The night of his arrival, we got drunk and he raped me. I’m still recovering and trying to decide what to do. He’s remorseful and he’s willing to go to therapy, but he denies it was rape. I’m caught between loving him and compromising my identity. I’ve told my friends and parents about it and I’m seeing a counselor.I feel like anything i choose to do will be wrong and that I’ll end up losing either way. In the end, i lose a man i love or i lose the respect of my friends and family. This isn’t fair.
This is the number one response to this blog. Loving someone that is capable of hurting you means you are putting them or your need to be loved as more important than your own self-worth. The dang hardest part is that we need to love ourselves enough first BEFORE loving someone else or we are telling the world we do not matter. YOU MATTER. If you can get your friend to truly understand that and go to counseling with you great. BUT you have to demand his respect and if you don’t get it, move on. Life alone and feeling good about yourself is way better than living as a victim with shame and undervalued. Love yourself and walk proud sister.
Victims of rape should be helped to understand that nothing about what happened was their fault. Nothing that they did should have allowed someone to have sex with them against their will. This includes dressing suggestively, or even kissing or performing other physically intimate activities. Any fault or blame is solely on the rapist.