I have been using the visualization of open doors for less than a week now and I am finding incredible things happening in my meetings and my life. A very strange thing happened just two days after I consciously decided to open my doors. Now this story is so strange that I will suggest that if you do not believe in the supernatural or are not interested in extreme stories you might just stop reading right now. The story I am about to tell is entirely true and it happened just as I am telling it.
To set the stage a little I would like to remind you that a lot of survivors like myself have strong issues with self-worth. In fact, that is probably the most repeated theme in everything I have written. The thoughts of I’m not good enough, and when you try, then “who do you think you are” occur on a daily basis. In my life this did not begin after I was abused, it was part of my family system and now that I think about it, it may actually have contributed to me becoming a victim. Later in life my abuser always showered me with praise to gain my trust, which I now know as grooming.
My mother (and father) never just told me I had done well. Praise always came with a caveat of what I could do better next time. As a result I have lived a life, never having heard the words “good job Randy” from my mother. I guarantee you it has had a huge impact and created major self-imposed road blocks in my life.
So, back to the story, last Monday night I was awakened from a sound sleep by a voice that merely said “Randy”. It was as clear as if the person were standing right next to the bed. I was instantly wide awake and had no memory of being in a dream. I had no idea who it was and I was a little scared. I listened to see if something was wrong in the house, but I heard nothing.
The next morning as I was driving to Portland I called my rather psychic daughter about it, and she told me was that it was a woman and no more. I then called a friend of mine who understands psychic phenomenon and has helped guide me on my life path and I asked her about it. She asked me who had been on my mind lately. I had not been aware of it, but I told her my mother had been on my mind. She then asked me to think about what my mother was trying to tell me.
Since I have become an advocate for survivors of child sex abuse I have had the privilege of working with some amazing people in bringing awareness and helping change a system of oppression towards child victims and survivors. And yet I struggle with my worth and I believe I have limited my own impact by being self-conscious. Who do I think I am? The weight of these thoughts have been on the rise of late.
Well you will never guess what mom came to tell me. She wanted to tell me that I was a good person, my work had great value and she was proud of me. This sounds pretty hokey until you imagine a mother saying it to a little child. And that is exactly who she was speaking to, a five year-old me. I know this for sure because when I imagined that was her message, my response was “it’s hard, but I’m trying to do good mommy.” And then I cried. I cried tears of loss, tears of love, tears of release. My mother has been dead for 41 years and yet I believe she intentionally came to me in the middle of the night, so I would hear her, to give me something she never gave me in life, that unconditional statement we all need to hear from the person that is most important in our lives, “I believe in you.”
It is natural to explain this all away as self created because it is what I needed at the time, but let me finish with the exclamation point she put on it to make sure I knew it was her. After analyzing all this while driving up I-5, ten feet in front of my car windshield an owl flew across my path. I think I have seen an owl like two or three times in my entire life. When I got to my destination I looked up the meaning of owls.
“It should be clear that the owl was honored as the keeper of spirits who had passed from one plane to another. Often myth indicates the owl accompanying a spirit to the next world – winging it’s newly freed soul from the physical world into the realm of spirit…You are being called upon to open your eyes, ears and mind to the truth of a situation; to listen to the wisdom deep in your heart and soul. That still small voice is trying to reach you in some way. To assist you or help you in a current challenge you may be facing.”
A story so base, the love of a mother and a little boy needing to feel that love and wanting to please. Sharing this story makes me feel vulnerable, but there you have it. I think I know what it is going to mean to me in the coming days and years, you can decide if it has any value to you. Whether you are a on a healing path as a survivor of child sexual abuse or some other trauma, I hope you can hear the words, I believe in you. I believe in you. Now try this, I believe in me. Re-read as often as necessary.