Author Archives: randy
Six months ago I wrote this prayer:
Oh Lord, enter this broken body and weave new pathways. I am weary Lord of trying and failing. I will never quit, but I do seem to make the same mistakes over and over. Old patterns die hard and yet if they don’t die, I fear I might. Please Lord hear my cries, wrap Your loving arms around me and give me courage and hope. May it be so.
It’s hard to know where to start when I have been thinking about this subject all summer and I find it is a circle. The thing about circles is that once you start one, they just keep going without end and from the inside it is not readily apparent where you are.
If we follow circles we end up back where we started. That can be good if we are fixing a mistake or completing something, but if nothing changes it is just a repeat. It’s kind of like watching reruns of our favorite TV show. After a while we can turn the sound off because we have the lines memorized.
I believe I have discovered the same thing is true in life. After living six decades on this earth, I see a lot of patterns. When I look outward the patterns are easy to see in perfect focus. That’s when I look at others and see them making the same mistakes over and over. When I look inward to things that are close up, the patterns are harder to see. It’s kind of ridiculous that we call that farsighted!
So it is, that I now find myself writing about something I was totally unaware of in my recovery. We are told that we were victims only at the point we were assaulted. It is described as a point in time. Afterwards we become survivors. Being a survivor makes it sound like we have skills, and we do. We learn how to survive each hour of the day. It does not indicate the quality of our days, just that we make it through. And it certainly says nothing about happiness or joy.
In the movie “Six Days and Seven Nights”, after crash landing on a deserted island, Anne Heche asks Harrison Ford “Aren’t you one of those guys that you can send into the wilderness with a pocket knife and a Q-tip and they build you a shopping mall?”
Those are the type of skills I have learned very well. I know how to fix things and make things work. Now when people, relationships, emotions and boundaries get involved, that is an entirely different story. Those are the parts of me that being victimized as a child got rewired. That is where in times of stress I fall into a victim stance, which has never served me well.
At this point in my life I find I am looking around saying “This looks familiar, haven’t I been here before?” We hear psychologists talking about the fear response of “fight, flight or freeze.” The pattern I learned from being a victim of abuse was flight.
So here is the circle I find myself in. I work for you and you know I am a good employee (okay, with a bit of an attitude). But that is only on the surface. What you don’t know is my real skill is in making things work and I don’t want you to know that, because if you do, I will be seen. As a person who was victimized, I really would rather not be seen, because people may find out my secret and then I will feel vulnerable and unsafe.
So here is what Randy did. I would become friends with the number two person in charge and I would offer my skills to them for free. Most number two people want to be number one, so they would gladly take my offering and present it as their own. This accomplished several things for me. I got to use my skills, have impact, and I could stay invisible!
Win, win. Right? Not so much. Here’s how that played out. After a period of years the number two person began to take me for granted, and I began to want more appreciation for my contributions the success of the company. I would begin to begrudge getting little credit for my efforts. Then I would quit, pack up my marbles and my family and move on. I would then start a new career (which I did 5 6 times) somewhere else and do the same pattern over again. I even continued a variation of that after I began advocating for survivors. I left people saying things like, “What’s wrong with him?” or “Where did Randy go?”
As I look back now I see my life with entirely new vision. I created a system where I could function in the world without being seen for who I really am, to the point of giving my talents (self) away to others, just so I could be invisible. The shame I carried controlled my life and kept me isolated.
What I did in my work I also did do in my relationships. Remember I am not a fighter. When people misjudge me, I let them. I never defend myself. I just pull back into my private world, the only place I am completely safe and comfortable, and close the door.
I know survivors of child sex abuse who do not leave their homes, ever! What I find interesting is that I do not see my life so very different from theirs now. I snuck around the world in my invisible cape and the people around me were totally unaware of the roles they played. They were actors in my play. Unfortunately I am now thinking that the play was based on living as a victim, and if it ended that way it would be called a tragedy.
I share this story in the hope that anyone who has been victimized might recognize some ways that they set the stage to feel like victims again. I do in fact want to be seen for who I really am. I want to take ownership of my talents, as well as my shortcomings. That is the only way I can break out of my circle based on being victimized as a youth.
Some people refer to it as breaking the chain, but the chains are long gone. I have been the gatekeeper and I now choose to open it. As I take these steps, I can now see in the distance a new world with me in it and the possibility of something called self respect.
I no longer want to fear being Randy.
May it be so.
Apparently as a society we have devolved into a culture that labels our children that report being sexually assaulted “accusers”. How long will it take for the news media to quit using language to describe sexual assault that is totally dismissive of victims and supportive of offenders? It’s broadly known as victim blaming. Make it the victim’s fault and show what a great guy the offender is and always use language that softens the seriousness of the crime.
This week marked the conclusion of the trial of Owen Labrie in Concord, New Hampshire. He was accused of raping a fellow student when he was 18 and she was 15. Evidently at St. Paul’s Prep School there is a tradition called “Senior Salute” where senior boys try to take the virginity of freshman girls. Now if that is not predatory behavior I don’t know what is!
In reporting this story two CNN reporters, Aaron Cooper and Boris Sanchez labeled the 15 year old victim an accuser, not once, not twice, but six times! Virtually every time they spoke of her it was “the accuser.” I would like to ask Mr. Cooper, Mr. Sanchez, and the leadership at CNN News, at what point does someone become a victim in your minds? God forbid, but if your son or daughter were raped would you call them an accuser? Or would you hold and rock your baby as they cried away their fear and shame after surviving such a vile indignity?
The term of “accuser” used for a victim of sexual assault was brought into common usage in 2004 in the rape trial of Lakers basketball star Kobe Bryant. His lawyers made sure that label was used in every article and interview when describing Bryant’s alleged victims. It was a defense tactic to put the victim of a crime in a bad light and to create doubt.
There is no other crime where the reporting alleged victim is referred to as an accuser. I find it quite curious that as a culture we work so hard to discredit victims of sexual violence above any other crime. As in the case of Kobe Bryant the victim was put on trial here. This 16 year old victim was on the stand for an entire day defending herself.
At the same time it is quite interesting to note how much energy is put into showing what great guys the accused offenders are. In this article, the now convicted perpetrator is quoted as saying “I tried to be as polite as possible.” Oh, and he always carried a condom, as if that is some kind of evidence he is not a sexual predator.
In fairness to CNN News I found the term accuser used to describe this 16 year old rape victim on NBC News, People.com, NY Daily News, ABC News, The Washington Post and the NY Times. I’m sure there are many more. One would think the NY Times would know better after the reaction they got in 2011 for reporting that an 11 year old victim of gang rape in Texas by 18 men, “they said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said.” And then as if the perpetrators were duped by the child they asked “how could their young men have been drawn into such an act?”
After the jury’s verdict Friday, CNN’s Aaron Cooper and Boris Sanchez titled their article “Former prep school student acquitted of felony rape in split verdict.” As a point of fact, he was acquitted of felony rape. He was convicted of three counts of misdemeanor sexual assault, using a computer to lure a minor for sex (a felony), and child endangerment. The only news source I found that used the words “convicted of sex charges” was ABC News. Every other news source I checked used the word “acquitted.”
If this situation is ever going to change, every one of us must speak up when we see reporting of sex crimes that minimizes the severity of the crime or attempts to blame the victim. When the victims are named accusers or descriptive words are used like affair, relationship, fondle, inappropriate touch etc. when referring to rape or child sex abuse, call the authors on it. We must change our system of victim blaming and it is up to you and me to see that happens.
The CNN article as it originally appeared has been edited and a few of the more blatant offensive lines have been removed. In the future I will print the original.
I was asked to write a short blog for Sojourners online magazine to honor Women’s History Month, making violence against women a memory. The work to end intimate violence is something that needs everyone’s attention. This type of violence is without question the number one public health problem in the world today.
In America, sexual and gender based violence counts its victims in the millions, its monetary costs in the billions of dollars, with outcomes of destroyed lives and questionable futures for countless survivors.
The time has finally come for people of faith to enter the movement and bring the power of their numbers to address all forms of intimate violence. It is time for the silent majority to hear the cries of survivors and stand together to say “enough.”
I was raised by a Norwegian Lutheran mother and the son of a Methodist minister, a WWII veteran who came home from the war an angry alcoholic. As the youngest of three children with little to no voice in my family, I was mostly raised by my mother and two older sisters. I never had a positive male role model. My fondest memory as a young child was sitting on the edge of my maternal grandmother’s rocker while she fed me peppermint lifesavers and read Bible stories to me.
As a young teen my mother insisted……….
Continue reading: Sojourners Magazine
I wrote this article for 1in6 Thursday Blog series. A few days later I had an experience where I became aware that a national prevention agency (one that I work with) was commenting on the need for survivors to “forgive” the people that abused them. I had a pretty strong reaction to that. It almost seemed to border on a form of victim blaming. At the very least it is potentially shaming for survivors that do not forgive in a traditional sense (even the Bible describes several different types of forgiveness.)
What human has the right to tell a survivor of child sex abuse (that is often too horrific to imagine) that they should forgive? It is tantamount to forcing a pacifist to pick up a gun and kill someone. I believe that is entirely the choice of the survivor based on their own needs and beliefs. Our healing path is one of our own choosing and progresses at a pace and distance determined by survivors themselves.
In this blog post I share a story that illustrates a healthy version of “letting go” of the person that abused you. It does not necessarily include forgiveness, but it can. What it does do is allow the survivors to reclaim their own power. Read on and see what you think.
“Hope you’re well. I’m having some anxiety this morning so I thought I’d reach out to a friend. No specific questions – just looking for some support I guess.”
I got this email from a young man that reached out looking for support in his healing from severe abuse by his biological father. He was in that place of aloneness and feeling anxious without being able to identify the exact cause. And yet he was able say he was in pain and ask for someone to acknowledge it. Just knowing that others are willing to sit with you and hold that space can make all the difference in the world. This is for you A.H.
My solution to anxiety was to numb it with alcohol and drugs. It worked, but it did not change one thing, and 4 hours later I was right back where I started. The anxiety for me was my body telling me I was trying to carry too much. And carry I did, for 40 years!
My friend, each step you are taking right now is helping untangle the tentacles of his evil actions from your being. If you stay the course, over time you will feel less and less the way you do today. Check out this little Zen story on carrying the weight of others.
Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants who could not help her because they were holding her packages.
The younger monk, noticed the woman and walk on by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, carried her across the water, and set her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”*
It was only a couple of years ago I finally set down the man that abused me. It happened when I felt strong enough to be in a room with him (in a dream) without feeling his power OVER me. It was the power differential that kept me feeling weak and like a victim. I had to believe I was strong enough to not be intimidated anymore and that was after years of therapy and work. It took me using my adult skills to go back and deal with him as I am now and not as I was when the abuse occurred (a child).
For me, carrying the weight of the man that abused me kept a lid on my recovery. The reason being that we cannot change something that belongs to others, we can only change ourselves. So a key piece to a successful recovery is identifying what is yours and what belongs to the person that abused you and then set down that which belongs to him or her. What you have left are all things you can manage.
You are not alone A.H. We are but two of the 18 million men who have felt this way at one time and you honor other survivors to ask for support. Find strength in knowing others have walked this path and each found ways to deal with our past and not only overcome the pain, but been strengthened by living through it.
May it be so for you too.**
*Quoted from Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth
I know about drugs and addiction. I went to Alateen meetings sometimes as a kid while my father attended his AA meetings. I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol as a teenager and after the abuse by my pastor started my use increased. By the time I was 18 I was getting high in some form every day.
So you can imagine this article title caught my eye, The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think.* In the article, author Johan Hari tells us about the studies on addiction we have all heard, rats have access to two bottles of liquid. One has just water and the other is laced with drugs. The studies show every time that given that option the rats will drink the drugs until they finally die. We think we observe the same thing in humans.
In the 1970’s a researcher by the name of Bruce Alexander noticed that in all of these rat studies, the rats were alone in their cages. He wondered what would happen if he modified the experiment to add community, so he built a “Rat Park that was a lush cage where the rats would have colored balls and the best rat-food and tunnels to scamper down and plenty of friends: everything a rat about town could want.” He then introduced the two-bottle option: one, pure water and one laced with drugs.
Guess what happened? They drank less that one-quarter the amount of drugs than the rats that were alone in a cage. AND none of them did so to the point of killing themselves. His conclusion was that happy rats with good social connections don’t get addicted to drugs.
Professor Alexander did not stop there. He repeated the experiment by first putting the rats in isolation, gave them drugs and got them addicted. He then took them out of isolation and put them in the fancy “Rat Park.” He watched them first go through withdrawal, then stop their heavy use and then return to a normal non-addicted life. His conclusion was that addictive drugs are not the problem, disconnection is.
I have studied addiction as well as lived with it most of my life. I know the science around addiction and inheriting the predisposition to addiction from our parents. There is lots of brain science to support our traditional thinking around alcohol and drug abuse.
Now I would like to use myself as an example. I lived with my secret of being sexually abused by my pastor for 40 years. You can probably guess that I also used drugs for all 14,600 days of my painful secret keeping. Rarely did a day pass that I did not get high in some fashion.
I began using drugs less as I finally began therapy and addressed what had happened to me as a teen. After I began living my life differently and began having human connections again I stopped entirely. IT HAS NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. At first it was on and off, but as I got healthier and really began having relationships with other adults, I no longer needed to go hide in my solitude.
I share this story not necessarily to challenge traditional thinking around addiction. I share it to show fellow survivors who have had similar issues with drugs and alcohol that there is an alternative that is not framed around addiction. Our cage was build by the abuse we suffered, not the drugs, so if we want out, we must deal with the abuse.
It took me forty years to figure out what is explained in this article. Hopefully others can read this and figure out there is a better world available whenever they are able to address the true cause of their pain.
May it be so for you.
This article was first published @ 1in6.org
*The Huffington Post Blogs 1/20/15 by Johan Hari
We are once again in the season that elicits feelings of excitement for some, dread for others and both for some of us. I have recently explored keeping healthier boundaries in place that allow for room to breathe and reciprocity.
Boundaries, what exactly does that word mean? Here’s what Wikipedia has to say: “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.”
As a survivor of sexual violation over time by my minister, I learned different boundaries than most kids. Being victimized taught me if you want to use me, that’s okay, I have very little value anyway. After getting away from my abusive situation I put up some very thick walls that looked remarkably like a fort. I learned if I keep people completely away, then I can be safe. I was also willing to fight and destroy anyone who challenged my walls or me.
Those walls were my boundaries and in my mind, they made me safe. Cross them at your own risk! The problem for me and many other survivors is that those are not “normal boundaries” and therefore no one else knows where they are until they bump up against them. I must say this has made long-term relationships difficult at best. After I blow up, people often wonder “What was that about?” or “What did I do?” or “I wonder what’s wrong with him?”
The boundaries that my pastor/mentor/abuser broke were replaced with trauma-informed defenses. If you were going to be around me in my younger years you better get used to short limits and intolerance on my part……………………………..
Read the rest at Joyful Heart Foundation.
We don’t often get do-overs in life. Sometimes golfing with a friend they might give you a do-over if you hit a particularly bad shot, but most people would tell you life doesn’t offer second chances. Millions of people who have successfully completed a 12-step program might point out how much the 8th step is as close as you can come to changing the past. “8) Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” It’s not technically a do-over, but it acknowledges our imperfect selves and suggests that now that we know better, we can do better.
That might seem like a strange reference for a survivor of child sex abuse. I was the protagonist in the story not the antagonist. I lived my life trying to cope with what happened to me and I was handicapped because I kept the secret. My abuser is now long gone and at this point the only thing holding my dysfunctions in place is ME! I have now made the choice to do my best to repair and rebuild myself into a whole and healthy person.
A long time ago I figured out that healing from child abuse is not a destination, but a lifelong path. What I did not realize is all the places that process would take me. Oh, the places you will go and the people you will meet, the wrongs you can right!
Please click this link to continue reading about my most recent unexpected experience. Joyful Heart Foundation
I have never gone backwards in life. My pattern has been to always be looking for what’s next, sometimes even to the exclusion of whatever is happening at the present moment. My forward momentum is often so determined that it is not uncommon for people to literally jump out of my way when I am walking somewhere. I guess I must have some core value that there is always something better out there and I am going to charge forward to find it.
When I began facing my abuse, things began to change for me. I started appreciating people and where I was. I have spent long hours looking back; looking at my abuser, the impact on my life; my parents and their systems that contributed to me becoming victimized; how my “coping” was destructive to me, my family and those around me. I have worked to look back to heal, reclaim lost parts of my childhood and become more whole.
A year ago I thought my future was in Portland, so we moved from Ashland on Halloween Day. As a survivor I am well aware of broken boundaries and betrayal and unfortunately that is exactly what I ran into. But fortunately I had done some serious work over the last few years on healing, so this time around I was able to set a healthy boundary and protect myself. I want to point out that it is not uncommon for our healing to reach points that it can make people around us uncomfortable. It is possible for our health to shine a light so bright that it may illuminate the secrets or dysfunction of others.
So my journey had brought new challenges and yes, mistakes. I was hurt by what felt like betrayal, but I am now looking at all the new contacts and new experiences I’ve had as a result of my time in Portlandia. I also got to grow some relationships with people I had not worked with much previously. I am having fun and find it exciting to be active with people who, like me, just want to do whatever they can to help survivors and prevent future abuse. I am also developing more of a connection to faith groups who I think can potentially become the leaders in this movement.
My partner Helen and I had both missed our family and friends in Ashland as well as the small town culture. After following me in my drop and run lifestyle for over forty years, I listened hard to what my partner thought was our best next move. So after 11 months in Portland we decided together to return to Ashland.
I am finding an entirely new experience upon returning to place we were before, instead of just moving on down the road. Almost every single person I have spoken to has said the words “Welcome Home!” I have never returned “Home” in my life. What an incredible feeling to be welcomed into a community. A place we love and we belong.
I lived all my life looking at the world as linear and I have always looked down the tracks with few glances back. I even started this article thinking that way. As I began to get my mind around these unexpected receptions something dawned on me, life is not linear. Live is circular and the circle has come back around. Now maybe I can fully appreciate all the richness and beauty that I have so often just left behind without a thought. We are not leaving someplace this time, we are coming home.
A week ago, I received the most amazing gift. I was offered the chance to travel back in time, by participating in a week-long camp for young boys that have experienced abuse. The camp sponsored by Sparks of Hope, was their first boys camp.* Ten boys had the opportunity to be unconditionally loved, understood, and had the pleasure of choosing their own activities and food. They were in a safe place and were encouraged and empowered to be themselves.
It’s one thing to look back to re-create our past as survivors in our healing process, it’s entirely different to see a parallel to your own life in real time! We were each matched with one “Little Buddy.” My guy is just starting his path of recovery. He hasn’t spent a lot of time examining broken trust or having been betrayed. He just knows someone he loves hurt him and then he had to go live with strangers and learn to call them mom and dad. And he makes it clear that he still loves his family and misses them.
This article was published on 1in6 and Joyful Heart Foundation websites. As you read on I hope you think about the incredible trauma and soul injury suffered by 10-20 percent of our children and what you can do to help stop this epidemic. If you are interested in being a counselor or support person at a camp for recovering kids contact Lee Ann Mead @ email@example.com. It is time to step up to save the next generation from this life long suffering. Click below to read the rest.
Void: Lack of matter or a vacuum. Perfect. That is exactly what I wanted. The pain of betrayal was just too great to be able to fake it for very long at a time. It’s not like I was a hermit or anything. Looking back I had some good connections here and there, it’s just that they didn’t make it very far into my consciousness and then I retreated into my void. The only place I really felt completely comfortable and safe.
The door was locked and there was no phone service. I usually got high in some fashion to make sure nobody could get through and I could safely hide from the world (oh, I suppose the memory of what I survived too!). No pressure to do things a certain way or say the right thing or wonder why he did that to me, just peace.
Read the whole article at Joyful Heart Foundation.