Author Archives: randy
We are told not to use the word victim. Nobody wants to identify with being victimized. The words that are preferred are survivor and thriver, or warrior for those who are out leading the movement on many fronts.
I have spent the last 7 or 8 years moving from victim/survivor to thriver/warrior. I have written dozens of articles about learning to take back control of my life after I began therapy. I am a different man today than I was even two years ago, but something is nagging at me.
As I began to heal, I got more comfortable with myself, and being around others. Although I still had (have) trouble like many survivors with feeling inadequate or not good enough. If I send an email and don’t hear back right away, I start thinking of what I said wrong to make them upset with me. Sometimes I do not attend events or gatherings because I just don’t feel comfortable being part of a group. I am truly an introvert. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with that, I am just taking care of myself.
That care means I am safe, I am comfortable and I feel nurtured. Evidently, because I didn’t feel that way as a child or it was taken away from me, I created that space for myself. The piece that I am having trouble with is…..
Read the rest of the article @ 1in6/ Joyful Heart Blog
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I have written recently about hiding myself and my talents out of fear, which at least in part is a result of being abused as a teen. As I continue down the healing path new thoughts come to mind about my future, who I am and how I want to live the rest of my life.
When I started High School I signed up for choir. It turned out my teacher had produced award-winning choirs for over two decades. It also turned out that as much as I liked music, I was not the best of singers!
My mother, in her desire to help me, paid for private voice lessons for a year. I learned more about singing and breathing, but no matter how many opportunities were made available, singing was not one of my talents. I think the main problem was tone deafness!
Flash forward to today. At the church I attend there is a woman who has a beautiful soprano voice. As I listened to her sing a solo I couldn’t help but think she would have benefitted greatly from the singing instruction I had as a youth. The more I listened I realized there was not a thing wrong with her voice. It was confidence she lacked. She was tentative and reached for notes that she could easily get on top of. I had this urge to contact her and tell her to let loose when she sings. Let the notes come from deep inside. I longed to hear her full voice.
That led me to think how most of us hold back from our gifts. We aren’t sure of ourselves or we worry what others will think. There is a saying in healing circles, about people being uncomfortable in their own skin. What would my life look like if I used my talents with confidence? What would your life look like if you walked the earth confident and proud of what you are good at? Wow, can you imagine? I’m guessing it would be like getting around on a pair of roller skates.
As a survivor I can say that life has been a lot like being tied to stakes with little room for movement or freedom of choice. My talents have always had a closed lid on them. I use them when I work, but somehow I do not experience joy at my own successes. I rarely walk away from a job saying to myself, “that felt good.” There is a saying that goes like this:
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Dance like nobody’s watching,
and live like it’s heaven on earth.
In other words live life with abandon. So here is my challenge to myself and to you. Write down the things you think you are or might be good at and put a star by the ones on that list you enjoy and have fun doing. Now commit to doing those things more often and make time every day to do at least one of them.
There is a story in Matthew about talents. In that case it refers to money, but it applies to anything of value. We have a choice to bury them, as I did, or use them and watch them grow! We need to shut out our self judgment and reprogram ourselves to fully embrace our talents to give them light to breathe and grow. If it is true that the greatest obstacle to human growth and happiness is ourselves, why not move out of your own way?
I recently renewed my contractors license to help pay expenses. Last week I worked on a sewer pump for a woman. The job was dirty and smelly and it took several days to get it working right. And yes, the pump came on and shot sewage at me! When I told my friend what I was doing, her reaction was ick! I came back with how good I felt, because with my skills and patience I solved a problem this woman had worried about every day for five years.
How much richer our lives would be if we wore our talents like a new set of clothes. Watch me walk down the street in my beautiful coat of many colors, an outfit made entirely of me. And then I wake each day and put on the real me as I walk out the door. Here I am feeling good about myself. I can then see and appreciate you and me in a whole new light.
May it be so!
When I was young it was common for adults, teachers, parents etc. to talk about somebody having a chip on their shoulder. It was a reference to holding a grudge or having an angry attitude.
My parents used it to describe me when I would walk around angry, just daring somebody to cross me. It didn’t matter who stepped up, I just wanted a fight, not physical, but just somebody I could take my anger out on. These days, the saying is “You want some of this!?”
Well I outgrew that kind of blind frustrated adolescent anger… or so I thought. As I look back it was present with me my whole adult life. I believe being abused and unable to emotionally process those feelings contribute to that dysfunction, but I think a lot of us go through life a little pissed off for lots of reason. Always ready with a middle finger for the driver that goes around in the right lane and slips in just ahead of our front bumper, or a quick word to someone who cuts in line at a store.
When I addressed my abuse in therapy over a period of years I changed a lot. I thought I had gotten in touch with my emotional self. I tried to be more open and direct with people. I even got feedback that I was different and easier to be around.
Over the last year or two (while I wasn’t looking) that anger began to take hold again. I would go on a total rant while driving yelling at other drivers and I found myself thinking how other peoples lives would be so much better if they would just do things my way. Randy’s rules; and yet holding that anger and resentment I lost track of myself. I got buried under the mounds of frustrated anger.
It was like I had too many power strips plugged in and no surge protector. The only pressure relief valve I had was yelling. I was holding all my frustration with life and the ills of the world, adding more every day, until I finally just popped like an overfull balloon. It all culminated this summer when I blew up in an angry outburst at a family gathering. And of course like we often do, I took it out on innocent people and jeopardized my relationship with those I love. I believe that when we hold our emotions and do not have a healthy outlet for them, they are going to come out anyway, generally in an inappropriate and destructive way.
It took me a while to get through rationalizing my actions to the point of taking full responsibility. What is interesting is what I did to release it all. First I ate a large helping of humble pie for my actions. It is amazing how healthy it is to just to say I am so very sorry for what I said and did. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me at some point (it helps get you off your high horse, if you have been sitting on one).
Next I unplugged from the news and electronic media. I had overloaded to the point I could not deal at all. Stopping the flow of negative news and events into my psyche gave me time to empty all that pent up emotion. My learning curve was that it all fell into two categories. The first were things I couldn’t personally do anything about. The second were things I could change, but I often kept my mouth shut out of fear. It is not necessary for me to tell people every time I think they are wrong. I will speak up when I see injustice and feel the need to add my voice to the oppressed or to defend myself when necessary. I find I can have the most impact, by walking my time on earth just being my values. People do notice.
As I said earlier, I don’t think you need to be a survivor of child abuse to find yourself a container for frustration and anger. I think it applies to many of us. If you find yourself pissed off a lot of the time, I hope my little story here will help move you to a healthier place. In closing I will share a piece of wisdom I somehow lost track of.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know that I need pull back periods to stay healthy.
May I learn to respect the wisdom of nature that every living thing needs different seasons over a year’s time, every year, to replenish and sustain life.
May it be so.
Six months ago I wrote this prayer:
Oh Lord, enter this broken body and weave new pathways. I am weary Lord of trying and failing. I will never quit, but I do seem to make the same mistakes over and over. Old patterns die hard and yet if they don’t die, I fear I might. Please Lord hear my cries, wrap Your loving arms around me and give me courage and hope. May it be so.
It’s hard to know where to start when I have been thinking about this subject all summer and I find it is a circle. The thing about circles is that once you start one, they just keep going without end and from the inside it is not readily apparent where you are.
If we follow circles we end up back where we started. That can be good if we are fixing a mistake or completing something, but if nothing changes it is just a repeat. It’s kind of like watching reruns of our favorite TV show. After a while we can turn the sound off because we have the lines memorized.
I believe I have discovered the same thing is true in life. After living six decades on this earth, I see a lot of patterns. When I look outward the patterns are easy to see in perfect focus. That’s when I look at others and see them making the same mistakes over and over. When I look inward to things that are close up, the patterns are harder to see. It’s kind of ridiculous that we call that farsighted!
So it is, that I now find myself writing about something I was totally unaware of in my recovery. We are told that we were victims only at the point we were assaulted. It is described as a point in time. Afterwards we become survivors. Being a survivor makes it sound like we have skills, and we do. We learn how to survive each hour of the day. It does not indicate the quality of our days, just that we make it through. And it certainly says nothing about happiness or joy.
In the movie “Six Days and Seven Nights”, after crash landing on a deserted island, Anne Heche asks Harrison Ford “Aren’t you one of those guys that you can send into the wilderness with a pocket knife and a Q-tip and they build you a shopping mall?”
Those are the type of skills I have learned very well. I know how to fix things and make things work. Now when people, relationships, emotions and boundaries get involved, that is an entirely different story. Those are the parts of me that being victimized as a child got rewired. That is where in times of stress I fall into a victim stance, which has never served me well.
At this point in my life I find I am looking around saying “This looks familiar, haven’t I been here before?” We hear psychologists talking about the fear response of “fight, flight or freeze.” The pattern I learned from being a victim of abuse was flight.
So here is the circle I find myself in. I work for you and you know I am a good employee (okay, with a bit of an attitude). But that is only on the surface. What you don’t know is my real skill is in making things work and I don’t want you to know that, because if you do, I will be seen. As a person who was victimized, I really would rather not be seen, because people may find out my secret and then I will feel vulnerable and unsafe.
So here is what Randy did. I would become friends with the number two person in charge and I would offer my skills to them for free. Most number two people want to be number one, so they would gladly take my offering and present it as their own. This accomplished several things for me. I got to use my skills, have impact, and I could stay invisible!
Win, win. Right? Not so much. Here’s how that played out. After a period of years the number two person began to take me for granted, and I began to want more appreciation for my contributions the success of the company. I would begin to begrudge getting little credit for my efforts. Then I would quit, pack up my marbles and my family and move on. I would then start a new career (which I did 5 6 times) somewhere else and do the same pattern over again. I even continued a variation of that after I began advocating for survivors. I left people saying things like, “What’s wrong with him?” or “Where did Randy go?”
As I look back now I see my life with entirely new vision. I created a system where I could function in the world without being seen for who I really am, to the point of giving my talents (self) away to others, just so I could be invisible. The shame I carried controlled my life and kept me isolated.
What I did in my work I also did do in my relationships. Remember I am not a fighter. When people misjudge me, I let them. I never defend myself. I just pull back into my private world, the only place I am completely safe and comfortable, and close the door.
I know survivors of child sex abuse who do not leave their homes, ever! What I find interesting is that I do not see my life so very different from theirs now. I snuck around the world in my invisible cape and the people around me were totally unaware of the roles they played. They were actors in my play. Unfortunately I am now thinking that the play was based on living as a victim, and if it ended that way it would be called a tragedy.
I share this story in the hope that anyone who has been victimized might recognize some ways that they set the stage to feel like victims again. I do in fact want to be seen for who I really am. I want to take ownership of my talents, as well as my shortcomings. That is the only way I can break out of my circle based on being victimized as a youth.
Some people refer to it as breaking the chain, but the chains are long gone. I have been the gatekeeper and I now choose to open it. As I take these steps, I can now see in the distance a new world with me in it and the possibility of something called self respect.
I no longer want to fear being Randy.
May it be so.
Apparently as a society we have devolved into a culture that labels our children that report being sexually assaulted “accusers”. How long will it take for the news media to quit using language to describe sexual assault that is totally dismissive of victims and supportive of offenders? It’s broadly known as victim blaming. Make it the victim’s fault and show what a great guy the offender is and always use language that softens the seriousness of the crime.
This week marked the conclusion of the trial of Owen Labrie in Concord, New Hampshire. He was accused of raping a fellow student when he was 18 and she was 15. Evidently at St. Paul’s Prep School there is a tradition called “Senior Salute” where senior boys try to take the virginity of freshman girls. Now if that is not predatory behavior I don’t know what is!
In reporting this story two CNN reporters, Aaron Cooper and Boris Sanchez labeled the 15 year old victim an accuser, not once, not twice, but six times! Virtually every time they spoke of her it was “the accuser.” I would like to ask Mr. Cooper, Mr. Sanchez, and the leadership at CNN News, at what point does someone become a victim in your minds? God forbid, but if your son or daughter were raped would you call them an accuser? Or would you hold and rock your baby as they cried away their fear and shame after surviving such a vile indignity?
The term of “accuser” used for a victim of sexual assault was brought into common usage in 2004 in the rape trial of Lakers basketball star Kobe Bryant. His lawyers made sure that label was used in every article and interview when describing Bryant’s alleged victims. It was a defense tactic to put the victim of a crime in a bad light and to create doubt.
There is no other crime where the reporting alleged victim is referred to as an accuser. I find it quite curious that as a culture we work so hard to discredit victims of sexual violence above any other crime. As in the case of Kobe Bryant the victim was put on trial here. This 16 year old victim was on the stand for an entire day defending herself.
At the same time it is quite interesting to note how much energy is put into showing what great guys the accused offenders are. In this article, the now convicted perpetrator is quoted as saying “I tried to be as polite as possible.” Oh, and he always carried a condom, as if that is some kind of evidence he is not a sexual predator.
In fairness to CNN News I found the term accuser used to describe this 16 year old rape victim on NBC News, People.com, NY Daily News, ABC News, The Washington Post and the NY Times. I’m sure there are many more. One would think the NY Times would know better after the reaction they got in 2011 for reporting that an 11 year old victim of gang rape in Texas by 18 men, “they said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said.” And then as if the perpetrators were duped by the child they asked “how could their young men have been drawn into such an act?”
After the jury’s verdict Friday, CNN’s Aaron Cooper and Boris Sanchez titled their article “Former prep school student acquitted of felony rape in split verdict.” As a point of fact, he was acquitted of felony rape. He was convicted of three counts of misdemeanor sexual assault, using a computer to lure a minor for sex (a felony), and child endangerment. The only news source I found that used the words “convicted of sex charges” was ABC News. Every other news source I checked used the word “acquitted.”
If this situation is ever going to change, every one of us must speak up when we see reporting of sex crimes that minimizes the severity of the crime or attempts to blame the victim. When the victims are named accusers or descriptive words are used like affair, relationship, fondle, inappropriate touch etc. when referring to rape or child sex abuse, call the authors on it. We must change our system of victim blaming and it is up to you and me to see that happens.
The CNN article as it originally appeared has been edited and a few of the more blatant offensive lines have been removed. In the future I will print the original.
I was asked to write a short blog for Sojourners online magazine to honor Women’s History Month, making violence against women a memory. The work to end intimate violence is something that needs everyone’s attention. This type of violence is without question the number one public health problem in the world today.
In America, sexual and gender based violence counts its victims in the millions, its monetary costs in the billions of dollars, with outcomes of destroyed lives and questionable futures for countless survivors.
The time has finally come for people of faith to enter the movement and bring the power of their numbers to address all forms of intimate violence. It is time for the silent majority to hear the cries of survivors and stand together to say “enough.”
I was raised by a Norwegian Lutheran mother and the son of a Methodist minister, a WWII veteran who came home from the war an angry alcoholic. As the youngest of three children with little to no voice in my family, I was mostly raised by my mother and two older sisters. I never had a positive male role model. My fondest memory as a young child was sitting on the edge of my maternal grandmother’s rocker while she fed me peppermint lifesavers and read Bible stories to me.
As a young teen my mother insisted……….
Continue reading: Sojourners Magazine
I wrote this article for 1in6 Thursday Blog series. A few days later I had an experience where I became aware that a national prevention agency (one that I work with) was commenting on the need for survivors to “forgive” the people that abused them. I had a pretty strong reaction to that. It almost seemed to border on a form of victim blaming. At the very least it is potentially shaming for survivors that do not forgive in a traditional sense (even the Bible describes several different types of forgiveness.)
What human has the right to tell a survivor of child sex abuse (that is often too horrific to imagine) that they should forgive? It is tantamount to forcing a pacifist to pick up a gun and kill someone. I believe that is entirely the choice of the survivor based on their own needs and beliefs. Our healing path is one of our own choosing and progresses at a pace and distance determined by survivors themselves.
In this blog post I share a story that illustrates a healthy version of “letting go” of the person that abused you. It does not necessarily include forgiveness, but it can. What it does do is allow the survivors to reclaim their own power. Read on and see what you think.
“Hope you’re well. I’m having some anxiety this morning so I thought I’d reach out to a friend. No specific questions – just looking for some support I guess.”
I got this email from a young man that reached out looking for support in his healing from severe abuse by his biological father. He was in that place of aloneness and feeling anxious without being able to identify the exact cause. And yet he was able say he was in pain and ask for someone to acknowledge it. Just knowing that others are willing to sit with you and hold that space can make all the difference in the world. This is for you A.H.
My solution to anxiety was to numb it with alcohol and drugs. It worked, but it did not change one thing, and 4 hours later I was right back where I started. The anxiety for me was my body telling me I was trying to carry too much. And carry I did, for 40 years!
My friend, each step you are taking right now is helping untangle the tentacles of his evil actions from your being. If you stay the course, over time you will feel less and less the way you do today. Check out this little Zen story on carrying the weight of others.
Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants who could not help her because they were holding her packages.
The younger monk, noticed the woman and walk on by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, carried her across the water, and set her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”*
It was only a couple of years ago I finally set down the man that abused me. It happened when I felt strong enough to be in a room with him (in a dream) without feeling his power OVER me. It was the power differential that kept me feeling weak and like a victim. I had to believe I was strong enough to not be intimidated anymore and that was after years of therapy and work. It took me using my adult skills to go back and deal with him as I am now and not as I was when the abuse occurred (a child).
For me, carrying the weight of the man that abused me kept a lid on my recovery. The reason being that we cannot change something that belongs to others, we can only change ourselves. So a key piece to a successful recovery is identifying what is yours and what belongs to the person that abused you and then set down that which belongs to him or her. What you have left are all things you can manage.
You are not alone A.H. We are but two of the 18 million men who have felt this way at one time and you honor other survivors to ask for support. Find strength in knowing others have walked this path and each found ways to deal with our past and not only overcome the pain, but been strengthened by living through it.
May it be so for you too.**
*Quoted from Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth
I know about drugs and addiction. I went to Alateen meetings sometimes as a kid while my father attended his AA meetings. I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol as a teenager and after the abuse by my pastor started my use increased. By the time I was 18 I was getting high in some form every day.
So you can imagine this article title caught my eye, The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think.* In the article, author Johan Hari tells us about the studies on addiction we have all heard, rats have access to two bottles of liquid. One has just water and the other is laced with drugs. The studies show every time that given that option the rats will drink the drugs until they finally die. We think we observe the same thing in humans.
In the 1970’s a researcher by the name of Bruce Alexander noticed that in all of these rat studies, the rats were alone in their cages. He wondered what would happen if he modified the experiment to add community, so he built a “Rat Park that was a lush cage where the rats would have colored balls and the best rat-food and tunnels to scamper down and plenty of friends: everything a rat about town could want.” He then introduced the two-bottle option: one, pure water and one laced with drugs.
Guess what happened? They drank less that one-quarter the amount of drugs than the rats that were alone in a cage. AND none of them did so to the point of killing themselves. His conclusion was that happy rats with good social connections don’t get addicted to drugs.
Professor Alexander did not stop there. He repeated the experiment by first putting the rats in isolation, gave them drugs and got them addicted. He then took them out of isolation and put them in the fancy “Rat Park.” He watched them first go through withdrawal, then stop their heavy use and then return to a normal non-addicted life. His conclusion was that addictive drugs are not the problem, disconnection is.
I have studied addiction as well as lived with it most of my life. I know the science around addiction and inheriting the predisposition to addiction from our parents. There is lots of brain science to support our traditional thinking around alcohol and drug abuse.
Now I would like to use myself as an example. I lived with my secret of being sexually abused by my pastor for 40 years. You can probably guess that I also used drugs for all 14,600 days of my painful secret keeping. Rarely did a day pass that I did not get high in some fashion.
I began using drugs less as I finally began therapy and addressed what had happened to me as a teen. After I began living my life differently and began having human connections again I stopped entirely. IT HAS NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. At first it was on and off, but as I got healthier and really began having relationships with other adults, I no longer needed to go hide in my solitude.
I share this story not necessarily to challenge traditional thinking around addiction. I share it to show fellow survivors who have had similar issues with drugs and alcohol that there is an alternative that is not framed around addiction. Our cage was build by the abuse we suffered, not the drugs, so if we want out, we must deal with the abuse.
It took me forty years to figure out what is explained in this article. Hopefully others can read this and figure out there is a better world available whenever they are able to address the true cause of their pain.
May it be so for you.
This article was first published @ 1in6.org
*The Huffington Post Blogs 1/20/15 by Johan Hari
We are once again in the season that elicits feelings of excitement for some, dread for others and both for some of us. I have recently explored keeping healthier boundaries in place that allow for room to breathe and reciprocity.
Boundaries, what exactly does that word mean? Here’s what Wikipedia has to say: “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.”
As a survivor of sexual violation over time by my minister, I learned different boundaries than most kids. Being victimized taught me if you want to use me, that’s okay, I have very little value anyway. After getting away from my abusive situation I put up some very thick walls that looked remarkably like a fort. I learned if I keep people completely away, then I can be safe. I was also willing to fight and destroy anyone who challenged my walls or me.
Those walls were my boundaries and in my mind, they made me safe. Cross them at your own risk! The problem for me and many other survivors is that those are not “normal boundaries” and therefore no one else knows where they are until they bump up against them. I must say this has made long-term relationships difficult at best. After I blow up, people often wonder “What was that about?” or “What did I do?” or “I wonder what’s wrong with him?”
The boundaries that my pastor/mentor/abuser broke were replaced with trauma-informed defenses. If you were going to be around me in my younger years you better get used to short limits and intolerance on my part……………………………..
Read the rest at Joyful Heart Foundation.
We don’t often get do-overs in life. Sometimes golfing with a friend they might give you a do-over if you hit a particularly bad shot, but most people would tell you life doesn’t offer second chances. Millions of people who have successfully completed a 12-step program might point out how much the 8th step is as close as you can come to changing the past. “8) Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” It’s not technically a do-over, but it acknowledges our imperfect selves and suggests that now that we know better, we can do better.
That might seem like a strange reference for a survivor of child sex abuse. I was the protagonist in the story not the antagonist. I lived my life trying to cope with what happened to me and I was handicapped because I kept the secret. My abuser is now long gone and at this point the only thing holding my dysfunctions in place is ME! I have now made the choice to do my best to repair and rebuild myself into a whole and healthy person.
A long time ago I figured out that healing from child abuse is not a destination, but a lifelong path. What I did not realize is all the places that process would take me. Oh, the places you will go and the people you will meet, the wrongs you can right!
Please click this link to continue reading about my most recent unexpected experience. Joyful Heart Foundation