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I began my healing by telling my story to a therapist. In hindsight I realize that took real courage. I began shedding my shame a piece at a time. Once the walls built by my shame started coming down, I began feeling lots of emotions. In letting go of my fear, I found courage to tell my story and risk being imperfect (vulnerable) in the world.

When we are strong enough to be vulnerable we find that everything is connected and in living those connections is a life of truth, worth and joy.  And yes, it includes tears and pain as well, but it is good just to feel after living numb for so long.

Read the full article here.

Randy Ellison

About eight years ago some friends invited my wife and I to go to an artist’s studio sale. I had never done anything like that before and I’ve got to admit I was intimidated. I was in awe walking through a husband and wife’s artist studio looking at paintings and clay sculptures they made with their own hands. People good enough to make a living selling what they made. Not only was the building filled with their artwork but they had built the building itself as well. It was a straw bale structure that looked and felt like a hobbits home.

As I was walking around looking at their amazing work I turned around and found myself staring into the face of a human bust with a ceramic funnel in his chest. It oozed painful emotion. The sign underneath it said, “Refilling the Empty Heart.” The price of $1300 was crossed out and it was marked $85. Somehow I did not believe that, and I was scared to ask for fear of looking stupid. No way that statue was only $85. I walked around the studio looking at interesting little pieces but I my mind kept walking over and looking at the Man. I whispered to my wife about how cool it was and she said just ask. I waited until no one else was around and I asked the woman about the statue. She told me her husband had made it as a self-portrait ten years earlier. It was a particularly low period in his life. The funnel had an original poem on it.

Then I asked the big question, “Is that price for real?” She said yes. She told me they had been hauling that 100 pound statue around to art shows for a decade and it never spoke to anyone. I told her it spoke to me and she said, “then we would be happy to have you take it home, but you have to carry it to your car on your own.” I really could not believe I bought it, but I was really happy about my great score.

I never gave one thought to what appealed to me about it. I took it home and put it on a bookcase. My family nicknamed the man George and the dog barked at it. It was probably two or three years later that I started counseling for the sexual abuse I suffered as a teenager. The deeper I delved into my abuse the lower my mood went. Then one day as I was coming out the other side of my depression I looked at that statue and I realized it was me. It was time to refill my empty heart.

I don’t know if you believe in karma or fate, but I don’t know what else to call going to an art sale for the first and only time, and walking out with a piece that would later come to represent my life. George is me, and I am George. So that is the story of this statue.

I hope that if you are on a healing path you will picture George and what he can mean to you. I allowed myself to be vulnerable the day I bought George, and again later in recovery to be able to begin refilling my heart. Is your heart empty? Are you willing to be vulnerable to refill it?

Randy Ellison

“This is probably the most complicated and least understood aspect of child sex abuse. 90 percent of all perpetrators are known to the victims, with 30 – 40 percent coming from the victim’s immediate family and only 10 percent strangers.”

“In my mind, I believed that I had brought on the abuse, leaving the real offender off the hook. I had completely separated the abusive behavior from the person whom I loved and looked up to. And even though I eventually realized this just wasn’t true—and that blaming myself hurt me in the long run. At the time though, it helped me avoid facing the truth and kept me sane. I had to see the offender almost daily, so now with the abuse locked away under my guard, I could “normalize” my relationship with him When I was around my abuser in public everything was normal, so no one would suspect what I thought I had done. The interesting part is that on every other level I had great respect and deeply loved my abuser and as long as I keep the secret locked away, it was easy to show love for him.”

Read the whole article here:

Randy Ellison

This is dedicated to all those survivors of sexual or physical violence as a child that continue to fight to “break out,” of their now self imposed box. Alcoholics Anonymous says to just take it one day at a time. I think there are some of us that need to break it down more than that. So here’s to keeping it small and feeling good about yourself for the next hour. May it be so.

I am not good enough

I am never enough

Who do you think you are?

I am nothing

You can’t succeed

Says who?

He said it

She said it

I say it

I feel weak

It’s too hard

I don’t fit in the big picture

It’s not worth it

I don’t count

It’s too big

I feel small

—————–

If I make my world small like me

Then everything is small

I can deal with small

One small thing at a time

Says who?

Says me

Randy Ellison

The Wonderful and Wacky World of Science just got a lot less wonderful and a whole lot more wacky: Pedophilia is a sexual orientation. Really? So according to this article in the LA Times, now pedophilia should stand beside heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual etc. as the way we are born. I am pretty sure I will end up regretting writing this article, but I just have to. I am so consumed by protecting kids, children who are precious and undeveloped humans that I cannot just ignore this.

I have read and been told for years that many child molesters are just wired wrong. Their treatment is, in part, to teach them that it is not okay to rape or molest children (they obviously don’t see it that way). I have also read that more often than not, child molestation or adult rape for that matter is not about sex, but power and control. Are these people born with a gene for those issues?

Now I can see a young adult in their late teens or early twenties having an affectionate attraction to someone in their early or mid teens. Hell, I can even imagine an older adult meeting a teenager and going “wow”. And then their next thought is, I wish I were 20 years younger. But here we are talking about an adult being attracted or in love with a pre-teen. Like we are talking 8-9- 10 years old? And we are going to call that a natural orientation like there is something normal about it?

I’m sorry, but I believe nature is beautiful and it always seeks balance. If one species becomes too plentiful a predator or disease shows up to put things back in balance. Left alone nature will even clean up the pollution caused by humans. My simple mind can see absolutely nothing balanced about an adult being sexually aroused by a child. It is out of order.

The article talks about a man who molested his pre-pubescent stepdaughter and the day before sentencing he landed in the hospital where they discovered a brain tumor. They removed the tumor and no more molesting. A year later he began fixating on children again and they discovered the tumor was growing again. Alright, this I can grasp. There is a serious problem in the brain and you do something you would not normally do. But to use that as proof of this being normal biological development I cannot handle.

I understand there is an organization called the North American Man/Boy Love Association, NAMBLA, who desires laws change to legally allow men to “have sex” with boys. I don’t think so. Can you say rape? In this country our laws state that a child is undeveloped and not responsible for their actions and therefore cannot consent to a legally binding contract, or consent to sex. Nada, no way. Anybody else see self-interest and smell a great big pile of dung?

As much as I cannot imagine it, I want to say that I empathize with individuals, who I’m sure exist, who for one reason or another find themselves turned on by a child. Just don’t put it off as something natural and compare it to healthy sexuality. Each of us is attracted to certain traits or looks in others; male, female, trans, light, dark, big, small whatever. I don’t know if we are born with these predispositions or if we develop them over time. But I do know these are natural differences that at least on the surface are healthy and promote balance.

Everybody should have the opportunity to love and partner with another human being by mutual consent. Just don’t tell me you want to bond with a child and it’s okay, you were born that way. I really don’t want to hear it.

Randy Ellison

Lost and Found

“The control issues I developed kept me from being a successful parent, partner to my wife, employee and friend to others. I was driven by fear (which I thought was strength) to control everything and everybody around me, and I guess I thought that using alcohol and drugs would ease the pain inside. Just getting through the day without anyone getting too close or threatening me in any way seemed to be the goal.”

Read the full article from 1in6 here

I’m not telling you it is going to be easy. I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it! If you need help getting started check out the resources available on the 1in6 website or Malesurvivor.  Take the chance and reach out. You will find you are not alone and there are many of us walking the path who will help you along the way.

Randy Ellison

A week ago I posted an article I wrote on standing up for victims and breaking free from the auto response of defending the accused. That part went over okay. The part that people got stuck on and pushed back hard on was this:

“So here is a new reality check: We must find a way to accept that people who do offend are more than the crime. The result becomes one where both the perpetrator and the victim can be held within the community.

Offenders should always be held accountable for their behavior while still being part of the community with safe parameters. The victim can be supported and held in love for the maximum opportunity for a return to health. If we can accomplish this, healing becomes possible for everyone, including the community itself.”

A lot of you obviously don’t like that idea and cannot go there. You don’t have to! As I read your comments and had some new cases come up this week that are close to home, I totally understand the anger at this concept. One of the cases was a minister I knew, that on one hand was an amazing spiritual leader known and loved by thousands. On the other hand, it turns out he was a serial perpetrator of kids. Does one validate the other or conversely invalidate the other? He was in fact both. I think it is important we recognize he was both and then each of us decide how we feel about all he did.

I’m sure lots of people think my abuser was, and is, a great guy who just made a mistake. Not me. He was a great man to many including me at one point in time. For now I don’t much care about the good he did, what impacted my life was his crime and perversion. That’s what’s important to me. I just want to unwind his tentacles so I can reclaim my good memories without his distortions.

But this is not about forgiving or forgetting or whether offenders are thought of as good or bad. I know some feel offenders should be castrated, locked up with people that will abuse them and then shoot them. I must admit I have had those thoughts too, but I do not believe the long term solution to child sex abuse lies in that direction (except in rare cases!). I believe that often the crime is not reported because the victim does not want to “destroy” the life of a family member, or someone close to them. A couple of points I want to clarify here. I think the victim should ALWAYS be consulted and approve sentencing. Next is the victim need never see or speak to the offender again, nor should they be under any expectation to forgive, nor should the community.

What I am saying is for us to heal our communities we need to find space for everyone, even those we dislike, despise, or even just disagree with. There are some we need to keep locked away for everyone’s protection, but once an offender has answered for their crime and paid whatever penalty the law imposed, it is incumbent on society to find a place for them, with safe parameters. You can choose to not break bread with them if you don’t want to. That’s fine.

So I want to make clear that I feel my number one responsibility is to support survivors in their recovery and seeking justice. The close second is to find effective solutions for prevention of child sex abuse so there are less victims to start with. So as you are able, please explore possible solutions with me and keep letting me know how all this makes you feel. I hope you have a good day today and find something to make you laugh.

Randy Ellison

I belong to a group in Southern Oregon called CAN, Child Abuse Network. We meet monthly to discuss child abuse, the work each of us are doing and what we can do together to help end this horrific epidemic.

An outcome of one of our meetings was to take a public stand on community responsibility to monitor offenders and support victims. We wrote an op-ed based on local cases and what we saw as past failures and how we can change our own attitudes and behaviors to create more equitable results that will help us heal the wounds caused by child abuse.

The other 1-3 percent (not the rich ones)

Mail Tribune January 20, 2012

If someone lies to you 97 times out of a 100, will you continue to believe them? In the children’s tale “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” no one believed the boy after he lied just two times.

Fact: Ninety-seven to 99 times out of 100, children tell the truth about being sexually abused.

There are many examples of high-profile people who are defended even in the face of conviction and prison or probation. Witness Jerry Sandusky.

This summer in Woodburn, The Rev. Angel Perez was seen running down the street at 1 am in his underwear chasing a 12-year-old boy. According to police, Father Perez had the parents’ permission for the boy to spend the night with him. The report also states that the priest gave alcohol to the boy. The boy woke up to the priest holding on to the boy’s genitals taking pictures with his phone. The report concludes with fact that the priest went to the boy’s home in the wee hours to say that he made a mistake and asked for forgiveness.

The following week at Father Perez’s arraignment, more than 40 parishioners showed up in support. They wore yellow-and-white ribbons that read, “Estamos Contigo (We support you) P. Angel A. Perez.” The judge pointed out that no one showed up in support of the victim.

Now eight months into Dan Goyette’s probation for a sex crime against a minor, the front page headline in the Talent News and Review says “Downtowne Coffee House Expansion Nears Completion”, complete with a half-page picture of owners Sarah and Dan Goyette.

Why is this important? Because former Talent Councilman Dan Goyette was arrested at the Medford airport in September 2011 for attempting to use a child in a display of sexually explicit conduct. Goyette was returning to the area after he was tipped off that he was being investigated. Again, community members came rushing to his defense.

Dan Goyette entered an Alford plea. In this plea, the defendant doesn’t admit to the crime, but admits that the prosecution could prove the charge. His sentence is three years of supervised probation, undergoing sex offender evaluation and treatment if ordered by a probation officer, and serving 120 hours of community service for attempting to take nude photographs of a 17-year-old girl. The judge repeated what the victim said, “I think creepy about sums it up.” Following sentencing, Goyette thanked his wife, thanked his attorney and turned to his victim and said, “I’m sorry. I want you to know I am not mad at you.”

In the recent article, there’s no mention of his past, just Goyette talking about the city of Talent’s “strong sense of community.”

Why do we still stand beside the offenders and leave the victims to fend for themselves? The answer is complicated. If the offender is a well-thought-of citizen (preacher, teacher, coach, Scout leader), it does not fit what we think we know to be true, so we dismiss it. And in dismissing the information, we dismiss the victim. It is easier to believe what fits into our perceptions than to believe a new set of facts, just as most people once believed the earth to be flat.

The community does not lose if we believe the victim. What we lose is the false perception that good people cannot do terrible things. We lose the grace and talent of the victim who, often, enters a life of pain and hiding.

So here is a new reality check: We must find a way to accept that people who do offend are more than the crime. The result becomes one where both the perpetrator and the victim can be held within the community.

Offenders should always be held accountable for their behavior while still being part of the community with safe parameters. The victim can be supported and held in love for the maximum opportunity for a return to health. If we can accomplish this, healing becomes possible for everyone, including the community itself.

Child victims of sexual abuse rarely lie about what happened to them — the other 1 percent. Most perpetrators are not demons and have at least the appearance of normalcy and, yes, even goodness in their lives. Our job is to find a way to incorporate both into our reality and shift our understanding. The earth is not flat and the continents actually shift over time and so must we.

Mail Tribune

Randy Ellison

If someone lies to you 97 times out of 100 will you believe them next time? Most people would say no. In the children’s tale The Boy Who Cried Wolf, no one believed the boy after just two times lying. The third time the boy cried wolf, no one came to rescue him in his time of need.

So here’s where I get confused. We have multiple studies that tell us that only 1-3 out of 100 children will make a false accusation of sexual abuse. Since perpetrators usually deny the accusation that means they most likely lie 97-99 percent of the time. Knowing these facts can someone explain to me why family and community line up behind accused sex offenders to support these “upstanding citizens”, while throwing the preverbal stink eye at the alleged child victim? Just ask any survivor who has attempted to report their abuse how much support they got versus the public support for their offender.

Case-in-point, a front page headline in local paper, Talent News and Review, “Downtown Coffee House Expansion Nears Completion”, complete with a half page picture of owners Sarah and Dan Goyette. Inside the story talks about eager customers, and how they “want everyone to feel welcome.” We also learn about a great mural being painted on the side of the building by a local artist. The article closes with Mr. Goyette talking about the City of Talent’s “strong sense of community.” He goes on the say that it is his job to help foster that sense of community. “We’re responsible to keep it going.” The End. No more. Nada. Warm fuzzies, right?

Flashback to August of last year Mr. Goyette was investigated for “attempting to use a child in a display of sexually explicit conduct”, which is a class A felony. Mr. Goyette was arrested at the airport, after returning to the area. Police stated that he was tipped off to the investigation and had fled the state. Somewhere along the line Mr. Goyette ran over his computer with his car in an apparent attempt to destroy evidence (or maybe it was just an accident). Evidently Mr. Goyette attempted to convince a teenage (a minor) female relative to go into the woods with him so he could take naked pictures of her. There were comments, but not proven, that this might not have been the first time he did this (ya think?).

In the end Mr. Goyette entered what is called an Alford plea which is a fancy way of saying, “I ain’t sayin’ I did it, but you could probably prove I did it.” Wow, okay. His own female attorney told the judge it was “a horrible violation of trust.” The judge repeated what the victim had called it and said, “I think creepy about sums it up.” And since the victims family wanted to be done with the whole thing, Mr. Goyette was sentenced to three years probation, community service and sex offender evaluation. Now the coups de grace, Mr. Goyette then turned and thanked his wife (evidently for not kicking his ass out); thanked his attorney (probably for getting him off so easily); now here it comes, he turned to his victim and said “I’m sorry. I WANT YOU TO KNOW I AM NOT MAD AT YOU.”

At the first report of this crime, community members including city leaders came running to Mr. Goyette’s defense, saying intelligent things like I know Dan and he’s a great guy and he wouldn’t do anything like that. There was also some victim blaming going on, that the girl just might have either instigated it or perhaps was lying. (Child victims tell the truth 97-99 times out of 100)

Flash forward 8 months into Mr. Goyette’s 3 year probation for a sex crime against a minor, and The Talent News and Review presents a local businessman “fostering a sense of community.”  No mention of his recent past “creepy” and illegal behavior.

I want to make it clear that I think people are more than single sided. Mr. Goyette is lots of things to lots of people and that is as it should be. But I don’t think as a community we should ever forget what he did to a child’s life. That is in fact the only way we can hold perpetrators accountable.

The part that I find so appalling is that the community and now the Talent News and Review want to pretend and forget. Pretend that 97-99 out of 100 accused perpetrators didn’t do anything wrong, when in fact only 1-3 out of 100 are wrongly accused.

So please, if you live in Talent Oregon or any other City USA, believe and support child victims of sex abuse who tell the truth 97-99 times out of 100. And for justice sake and the protection of the community hold the offender accountable.

NOTE: If you are a newspaper editor, you have no excuse for omitting child sex crimes from a story. It is real clear; either you are supporting child sex offenders and the crimes they commit against children or you can report the facts and support children’s safety. Choose.

Note: If you want to comment to the Sneak Preview paper Contact: Curtis Hayden ashland@sneakpre.com 541-482-0368.

Randy Ellison

*U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children’s Bureau. (1999)

*Oates, R. K., D.P. Jones, D. Denson, A. Sirotnak, N. Gary, and R.D. Krugman: Erroneous Concerns about Child Sexual Abuse. Child Abuse & Neglect 24:149-57, 2000.

I am reposting this article I first published over a year ago. It was written by someone I know only as Benny who posted this on a site called Rape is Never Justified. It has brought more comments from people in similar circumstances who just have no guide in navigating the complexities of having feelings for someone who could rape you. As a result this will be the subject of my next post. May all of you who are struggling with this issue find some small solace in that fact that you are far from alone! rse

Maintaining a Relationship With One’s Rapist

by Benny – RNJ Peer Advocate on Monday, September 19, 2011 at 6:17pm

In my last blog, I shared my story with you all and so this week I feel more confident in talking about maintaining a relationship with one’s rapist. In my case, my rapist was my boyfriend and so I continued my relationship with him, for quite some time actually. As odd as this may seem to certain people, it does happen pretty frequently. There are plenty of cases (85% of rapes) where the perpetrator is a boyfriend, or a date, or any version of an acquaintance and so there is some relationship established already. So after such an awful, traumatic experience, why would anyone choose to continue the relationship with the perpetrator? Many reasons actually.

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